WORD!

Divine High

I had the best high last night.

Leading worship for youth is always a challenge, as teenage emotions and attitudes change as frequently as the weather in Seattle. Sometimes, on the good days, you get youth who come to the alter fully abandoned and ready to worship. Those are the nights that come few and far between when the going is easy. Then you have those nights where you, as a leader are confident that you chose all the right songs and are completely into worship, going 100 mph and giving 110% of your energy and passion and open your eyes to the realization (literally and figuratively) that the entire youth is staring at you, blank faced as if they’re lost and have no idea how they got to this dimly lit room with cool lighting. I always give myself to anything I’m doing 100% and worship is no different, in fact, I push more during worship because it’s who I am.

Last night was the latter for me.

I must mention that we have an amazing band (which now includes my little sis Janta Fanta on the acoustic!! Woot woot :) who rock the house every service and are full of grace and mercy, always willing to work with me despite my tendancy to undercommunicate my desires for the worship set (many thanks to all of you once again!) I love our team because it doesn’t matter whether theres 250 people or less than 50, they glorify God with all of their talents and gifts. You can expect the same excellence consistently from each instrument, each vocalist, every person that sets foot on the platform and as a worship leader, that knowledge is what propels me to new heights. Knowing that I have such firm support musicially and more so, spiritually, from our team is what keeps me from growing extremely frusterated with my own inabilities and pulling each numbered hair from my scalp.

Last night’s “Event” began like every other service: countdown music blared from the speakers, band came in just as the clock ticked down to zero …. Jesse came up and gave the word of exortation, youth began to flood the alter .. all together there was nothing unordinary about the first 5 or so minutes of service. Well up until that point nothing had happened .. until we finished the first song For All You’ve Done. At the end of the song I looked out into the congregation and to my dismay had about 70 eyes glaring back at me. Admittingly some of the youth were not as outwardly demonstrative with their facial expressions, but were gracious and exibited more of the glossy eyed due to boredom and confusion look. It’s no exaggeration to say that as soon as the song ended and the band cut out, you could literally hear the crickets and bullfrogs in the background having a merrier time than the youth I was now looking at.

Naturally I began to feel a little defeated at this point, as the unresponsiveness would cause anyone’s ego to bruise. But just as the thoughts of negativity began to come .. God, amidst the noise of the band … (who had now come in full volume to mask the blaring slience that filled the room for what seemed like eons) and in spite of the questions swirling in my head at that minute (“Am I really cut out for this? Maybe I’m not called to lead worship for RChurch!” What is wrong with these kids? Did I choose the wrong songs? Do I really sound that horrible!?) spoke these words to me: Not in your own strength but in Mine.

At first it startled me that I could tangibly sense Him begin to take over. There was an overwhelming Presence and in that moment I felt His perfect love for me. Now don’t get me wrong, waking up in the morning is evidence that He loves me. His Son and salvation is evidence that He loves me. The fact that I have been redeemed by His love and grace is proof enough that He loves me. We are literally immersed, whether we realize it or not, in evidence that He so loves us. But last night was a different revelation, a mindblowing experience for me. To tangibly feel His Spirit come and overtake all of the thoughts, all of the weight and pressure of leading was incredible. I was literally experiencing a John 4:18 moment: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

After that moment, the atmosphere in worship completely changed. I began speaking to the youth about the subjects in the songs we were singing .. about overcoming, grace, redemption, about the true love of the Father and how it’s changed my life and it was as if the lightbulb suddenly went off above their heads. Finally it happened, the worship was penetrating! Because they were able to personally relate to what I was saying, the stories and testimony about my life had great weightiness to them. The words had took on a new meaning because they were God inspired and not self reliant. My testimony of faith brought personal meaning to the lyrics that were on the screen, the words had come alive. Before I knew it, the entire congregation was jumping, claping, rejoicing just as I had hoped they would do from the beginning.

I know that’s the reason why God said what He did: I was too focused on the small things that really have no effect on the hearts of people. And I know He said it in the midst of a worship set, but I’m certain He meant it as a reminder for daily living. We try so hard in our own strength to pull of the “perfect” set and get everyone involved, but the harder we try in our own abilities the less effective we become. We try on our own and fail miserably, yet if we would simply rely on His strength things would go perfectly according to His will. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In the middle of Fire Fall Down, I opened my eyes to see a sea of raised hands, closed eyes and hearts that were determined to grow closer to God. Some people were on their knees, some had their hands lifted, tears streaming down their cheeks from being in the same Presence that had so rocked me minutes earlier. Seeing that desire for God grow through the gift of music and worship, is a high that I’ll never be able to verbalize in words. The most adaquate description that I can think of is a divine high.

Last night was a great reminder of God’s perfect timing. The rest of the set went off without a glitch and prepared their hearts for the Word that was given later. That wouldn’t have happened had I not been sensitive to hearing His voice and obedient to allow Him to use me despite my nervousness.

How thankful am I that God always comes through in the midst of our greatest weaknesses.